The Grey
Life, Chapter V
Chuck
held the bottle over his head like a relic or talisman of power. His
face was red with drink, filled with an ecstacy that only comes after
a man's addiction is satisfied, after perhaps many long hours of
wait. We are, after all, each one of us addicted to something in one
way or another. Haven't you ever craved sex? "Drink!" he
cried, and at his cue we brought our bottles to our mouths. Throats
opened with an inanimate sort of glee. The cold, bitter liquid slid
through us almost untasted, penetrating the depths of our bodies with
a single minded purposeness that, if contemplated, is frightening.
Nicholas'
watch marked the winner's time. "Three point one seven seconds,"
he read to Drusus evenly as I placed my bottle next to Lee's, who had
edged me for second place. Angst and Chuck followed quickly, Chuck
taking last and spilling beer down the side of his face. He noticed
me staring at him and raised a cocky eyebrow. I looked away. We never
were very fond of each other, even after we started pledging the same
fraternity. Chuck had been one of those hopelessly boring lofars from
the beginning of school, so perhaps you can see how unexcited I was
when Nicholas decided to bring him out with us that night.
It
was the middle of October, and in the time since I met Shanai my
bouts of drinking had increased tremendously. It's what I was brought
up to believe I was supposed to do in college, and the truth is that
I loved doing it. I loved doing it because it represented freedom.
And also, of course, because it took my mind off the grave belief
that I had no future, that my past was pinned to my back like a third
arm and would deny any salvation possible. I found myself thinly
divided between two heavy fronts - one at home, in the dormitory with
my lighthearted freshmen friends and the other somewhere out in the
wilderness of the mind with Shanai, her boyfriend, and his two
fiends.
"Jesus,
Angst," Nicholas purred, throwing an amused wink in my direction
while strapping his watch onto his wrist, "maybe you should take
some lessons."
"Maybe,"
Angst answered evenly, reaching for another Budweiser, "you
should do something about that pusticle on your forehead."
Looking up at the round of us, he asked in a bored tone of voice, as
if the question were bothersome, "Another for everyone, I
guess?"
Angst's
room was disgusting. I admit, once before I pardoned, perhaps even
extolled Shanai for the bothersome clutter that was her room, but the
way Angst lived and the way Shanai lived freshman year were
altogether different. As much as Shanai's odd possessions were strewn
about the place there was nothing you were afraid to touch. You
simply pushed aside some books or clothes or whatever there was and
made space for yourself.
Angst,
however, was a slob, and he laughed whenever we told him so. He was
one of the lucky few who had signed up for a double but whose roomate
never showed. That probably was best. The unfortunate roomate one
night might have mysteriously caught fire. In any case, Angst had
joined both beds on one side of the room, but that didn't spare his
sheets or pillows any damage from our frequent bouts of drinking.
There were empty beer bottles that had been conveniently converted
into ashtrays all over the floor and his furniture, some overturned,
and a whole slew of cigarette butts that hadn't made it into any of
the bottles. Portions of the tan rug were stained with a curious
mixture of beer and ash, and the smell of stale drink permeated
everything. At the beginning of the year his walls had been richly
decorated with posters, but by November most of them were torn and
hanging mutely from their tacks like corpses.
"No,
really, I did," Lee was saying, clasping an empty beer bottle as
if for support. The skin on his face was gleefully pink. The colorful
patterns there were almost worthy of contemplation, the way the
darkness of his skin and the blood of the drink fought beautifully
for space on his face. "I used to have a key to my high school.
I stole it out of some department head's office once. So this chick I
knew teamed up with me. The head janitor thought she was pretty and
liked sneaking her cheap feels. I'm telling you, with my key we could
get into any room we liked and that janitor never minded letting us
inside at night. The last two years of school I had a copy of almost
every exam I took the night before."
"Fucking
A, man," Drusus slurred, swaying uncertainly on the floor next
to me. "Most of us had to work to get into this place."
"Did
you ever get caught?" Nicholas asked him, passing Chuck and I
another beer.
"What
are you, an idiot?" Chuck snapped as he took the bottle. "Now
pass me that opener." But Nicholas didn't move, only stared back
at him blankly, so after a brief moment of silence Chuck explained
with that obnoxiously superior attitude small private school boys
attain somewhere between the first and fifth grade, "Nicholas,
they would never have let him in here if he had."
"Open
it with your hand, asswipe," Nicholas said as he and I
demonstrated with our own. "They're twist-offs."
"Oh,"
Chuck grunted, staring stupidly at his hand as if he were expecting
to find cum there.
"Actu
-" Lee started to say, but he was untimely interrupted by a
series of hiccups. One of his hands flew to his chest while his body
heaved uncomfortably.
"Here,
man," Drusus offered, leaning over to the other side of our
malformed circle and offering Lee his beer bottle. But by the time
Lee had the thing in his hands the hiccups had ceased. Drusus nodded
meekly and took the bottle back, then drank the rest of what was
inside. Lee threw him another, taking at the same time one for
himself.
"As
I was about to say," Lee continued, "I actually did get
caught. Not red-handed or anything, but at the end of the year I got
messy and dropped one of the carbon copies on the floor while I was
putting them back."
"Did
they pin it on you?" Angst demanded somewhat angrily, peering at
him intently.
"No,
but what really pissed me off was that from the beginning the vice
principal suspected me. He tried to do everything he could to prove
it was me. He even told some of my friends that I told him they did
it, just to see what they'd say."
"Those
fucking cunts! Hanging out in the back rooms sticking each other up
the ass and licking the shit off! You know," Angst snarled, "if
I was you, I would have popped that asshole's tires. No, even better,
cut his brakes. Put sugar cubes in his gasoline. Ever try pouring
tuna oil down the ventilation shaft?"
A
hint of a smile crept onto Lee's face. "Actually," he said,
taking a brief swig of beer, "I waited until after graduation
and then I walked right up to him, still wearing my gown and
everything and holding my diploma in my hand. 'Why, hello there,
Lee,' he said. That asshole had the nerve to hold his hand out to me!
There were some faculty heads standing there with him. Let me tell
you, I was so mad I flicked them all off." He giggled
conspiratorily then, and sitting there on that bed with his face so
red he looked almost like a child. "You should have seen their
faces. Afterwards they had a talk with my parents, but what could
they really do, you know?"
"I'll
drink to that," I said, motioning with my bottle in Lee's
direction before taking a drink. "A valiant story."
"I
think," Angst said after he finished his beer and was reaching
for another, "I would have slugged that dickwad in the stomach."
"Right,"
Chuck muttered.
Sometime
after we were each into our last beers I found myself talking to
Drusus. The other four were on the bed discussing animatedly who was
going to buy more beer. "I hear you're going with that chick
down the hall," Drusus said to me quite suddenly.
I
let out a slow hiss of breath. "Nancy, you mean? Yeah, I guess
so. I wouldn't say we're going together, though, you know? I'd say,
more like - oh, I don't know - fucking. You know?"
Drusus
grunted with obvious displeasure, looking away at the floor.
"Fucking," he repeated softly. I remember distantly
wondering what could be wrong with him, why he was carrying on so
much like a victim. But I didn't know Drusus then like I know him
now. "What about this chick Shanai downstairs I always hear you
talking about?" Almost gingerly he was running some of the
fibers of the rug along a smooth finger. "What about her?"
"What
about her?" I shrugged, not exactly sure where this was going
and certainly never suspecting, in that month-and-a-half-long drunken
stupor, what should have been obvious for some time. It's funny just
how blind we can fix ourselves when it suits us. "She's going
with this guy Antonius. He's a sophomore," I said, as if that
explained everything.
"Is
that the guy you're always going off with?" Drusus asked,
leaving the rug and looking up at me. "Doing all those drugs
with and everything?"
"Hey,
hey," I grunted, sitting up in my chair and taking a long swig
from my bottle. "What's this about 'all those drugs'? We smoke
the occasional joint or two." I stopped myself and reconsidered
for a moment. "Okay, no. Actually we smoke a lot more than that.
They do, at least. But what's wrong with smoking pot?"
"You
never hang out anymore," Drusus said to me softly, his eyes
cutting deftly into my own. There was something in his gaze that made
me uncomfortable, so I looked towards my beer as if to see how much I
had left. Drusus always had the habit of staring in such a way that I
suspected he could pick the thoughts from behind my pupils.
"Of
course I do," I answered a bit hastily. "What do you think
I'm doing now?"
"And
you're doing more than smoking pot," he continued. "I could
really care less about the pot, actually. Actually, I'd wish you'd
bring me some by here if you could. But it's the other stuff. The
acid, man. Angst tells me you've been dropping acid."
I
shrugged coldly then, not really liking the turn of the conversation.
It was almost as if I were answering to mother, and I didn't like
feeling guilty about doing something that made me feel good and
didn’t hurt anyone else. "A couple of times, yeah. But it's
such a mind opener -"
"David,"
he interrupted me, "don't be an asshole."
I
stood up then, more than angry enough, feeling invaded. Drusus was
still staring into my eyes, so still but somehow with so much
passion. The expression on his face was hard, and I could see that he
was going to try and play mother after all. But not with me. All the
years I've known him I've always got the feeling that Drusus was
looking out for me, even if it was from far away, and perhaps after a
time I came to live with it because I understood where he was coming
from. But not then, sitting in Angst's room that night. This was all
so new to me, all these people and the feelings I had over them. It's
difficult to behave openly with those whom you don't know very well
at all. Or who don't know you. "I don't need anybody else to
look after me," I told him, lurching for the door. "Thanks,
anyway." But on the way I stumbled and, flailing, had to grab on
to Angst's dresser to steady myself.
"Hey,
David!" Nicholas called after me as I threw open the door of the
room. "You going for a walk? Great! Get some beer on your way
back."
I
didn't feel the need to answer him. I was consumed with rage,
thinking about so many different things, so I slammed the door closed
behind me and started walking. To where I do not know, nor did I ever
discover because the next thing I knew Drusus was out the door after
me.
"David,"
he called. I could hear footsteps behind.
"Jesus
Christ, Drusus," I hissed, bringing my hands to my head and not
even bothering to look. "Just leave me the fuck alone." I
don't know why but I started running. Perhaps I was simply trying to
flee from Drusus and his boyish innocence - from great, strong Drusus
and the gentle manner that brought me to love him - because I didn't
want a friend like that. Maybe I was uncomfortable, because I had
discovered already that the one person I could depend upon was
myself, and myself alone. But those days are farther away than I'd
like to think and it's difficult to say what I was really feeling.
All I know is what we did, what was said.
We
were outside in the freshman quad, swathed in the comfortable October
night, when he overtook me. "Fuckin A, man," he slurred,
and looking into his bloodshot eyes I could see that he was more
drunk than I was. "Just listen to me!" There was something
firm in his voice, something hard, and it caught me. All resistence
was overcome and I found myself staring into his face and listening
to the tumult of words that were falling around me. " - treat
her like she's a whore or something! Don't you ever think about how
she's feeling? Do you ever think about anyone but yourself? Nancy's a
beautiful girl, a good person, something rare around here and to tell
you the truth it's too bad that she's wasting that on you if that's
how you're going to treat her. Like she's a fucking body for
something! If you want to be with this Shanai chick then dump Nancy
and -"
"But
then I wouldn't be getting laid," I interrupted him, but
immediately after the words were out I regretted saying them.
"See,
that's what I mean!" One of his livid hands brushed my chest.
His face, illuminated with a passion I began to recognize, leaned
dangerously close to my own. I think somewhere in those smooth
features I began to understand. "You don't even spend time with
us anymore - us, your friends - never mind Nancy. No, you go off and
take acid with those freaks and fucking Shanai. Fucking A, David, you
only think of yourself, only yourself -"
"Drusus,"
I said then, taking a step back from him, putting out a stern hand to
keep him at arm's length. "You're drunk. You've no idea what
you're saying."
But
he just batted the arm away and closed the distance between us again.
"I've more of an idea -"
"Fuckin
A, Drusus!" I shouted then, and he seemed to stop in midmotion,
glaring at me intently. "You hardly even know me. You hardly
fucking even know me and you're already judging me. Well, fuck you.
If you want to know what I think, I think you're jealous!" And
much to my surprise, as soon as the words slipped out I knew that I
was right. I hadn't intended them to describe the truth, I was just
in need of something scathing to say. But as the anger deflated from
his eyes and I saw something like guilt there my mouth dropped open
and for a moment there was nothing left to say. Drusus took a
defeated step backward, realizing that there was no hiding it
anymore. He turned away, stood looking off over the freshman quad at
all the people coming home drunk. "Jesus, man," I breathed
when I found my voice, "you want to fuck my girlfriend!"
"No,"
he said softly. "I want to be with her, too."
"You
asshole!" I said, not because I meant it but because there was
nothing else to say. We stood like that for a moment, I facing his
broad back and not really knowing how I should feel. There was the
guilt again, and it made me uncomfortable. I started thinking about
all the time the four of us had spent together - and about all the
time I didn't. How long had they been running around together behind
my back? Why hadn't she said something to me? She had never even
tried to make me feel jealous, and when I realized that it was
because she could have cared less it was my turn to feel jealous.
"How long have you been -"
"We
haven't," Drusus cut in evenly. "We've just been talking."
Just
been talking, I repeated to myself. My mind was racing over other
matters. What was I to do? Was I supposed to try and win Nancy back
knowing always that Drusus, my friend, would always be watching in
the background? Or was I supposed to break it off nobly and allow the
two of them to be romantically united while I watched the girl I
really wanted draped over a god for whom, by comparison, I was no
match?
But
we were thankfully spared the resolution to that awkward moment. Just
as I was trying to think of something to say - because I knew Drusus
well enough by then to understand that he would say nothing - some
familiar shouting reached us from the entrance to our dormitory. My
eyes swept the lighted courtyard just ahead where I saw Angst,
shirtless, screaming vehemently at the night around him. "Wake
up!" he was shouting at the blank windows looking coldly down at
him. In his eyes they must have appeared contemptuous. "Wake up
Johns Fucking Hopkins University!" This time he threw his fists
against the heavy brick of the building. But the building did not
budge. "Wake up all of you, you mother-fucking cock-sucking
pussy-assed cunts!" He struck the building again with his fists,
and even from a distance it looked as though he were putting
considerable force behind his blows. It was only then that I saw Lee,
jumping up and down next to him and laughing. "Wake up!" he
was crying, I think, but Angst's monstrous bellowing completely
eclipsed him.
"Hey,
shut up!" a greatly annoyed voice drifted meekly across the
campus. I looked up and saw a dim face appear somewhere above Angst
on the third floor of a neighboring hall. "Some of us are trying
to get laid around here."
"O
really?" Angst thundered obnoxiously, his head thrust
aggressively forward while he moved to stand beneath the boy's
window. Lee followed laughing after him. Even from where Drusus and I
were standing, watching, we could see that Angst was infected with
the proud willingness to destroy. His skin seemed to be stretched
tightly over his body except where there was fat. He was not a very
muscled young man, not like Drusus, but he was strong, and anyone as
drunk and worked up as he was that night can be intimidating.
"Getting laid? You? Please," he laughed up to the boy. "By
which hand?"
I
couldn't help but laugh. Seeing Angst standing there, his chest
thrust out defiantly and his arms ready to engulf the entire
building, screaming up to that boy in the window, was too much. And
then, amidst my laughter, Drusus turned to me. In that runaway second
when our eyes met it seemed that everything for the moment was put
aside. He took a few steps back to stand beside me. "Fuckin A,
man," he said gently, with something like admiration, "that
motherfucker's pretty wasted!"
So
he was. The boy in the third floor window had fled, and Lee and Angst
were laughing together in the courtyard, the beefier Angst with one
arm perched precariously over the lean shoulders of the taller Lee.
But the place was growing restless, I could see, and other people
were shouting down at them, too. Of course, Angst, consummated with
drink, only laughed harder. He picked himself up after a moment and
stumbled unknowingly out of the courtyard and towards us while Lee
tried answering them all. At one point, someone opened a window and
threw something at him. It narrowly missed his head and landed in a
bush behind him. Casting a fierce glance about himself as if to
ascertain the whereabouts of the assailant, Lee bounded lightly to
the hedges, leaned nimbly inside and stood up with something that
looked like a chunk of pavement in his hand. Glancing behind him he
aimed and launched the projectile. Of course, he missed - he didn't
even come close - and the thing smashed through somebody else's
window. A startled "What the -?" reached my ears, and Lee
only hesitated a second before running away.
But
Angst had been eyeing one of those metal, industrial sized trash
barrels that lined the campus, and perhaps it was Lee's voice that
made up his mind. Lee was just coming up behind him, when Angst
leaned over, grabbed the barrel in his arms, and lifted. "Ahhhhh!"
he screamed fiercely, and lurched with his prize through the dark of
the quad. He frightened away two rather ghastly looking female
medical students.
"Shit,"
I said to Drusus then, nodding in their direction, "we better do
something before somebody sees them." Drusus nodded, and
together we started towards Angst with his barrel of trash and Lee
skipping happily behind him. We had only gone a few feet, though,
when we noticed two security guards striding uncompromisingly in
Angst's direction from the other side of the quad. They were still
quite some distance away, but neither Angst nor Lee had caught sight
of them. Drusus cut me a quick glance and I nodded quickly. We both
knew there was only one thing to be done.
Angst
launched the barrel angrily somewhere towards the center of the quad.
It started to roll down a slight incline, spilling all sorts of filth
along the way. He was looking after the thing warmly, perhaps taking
a moment to pride himself on the fine mess he was making, when Lee
caught sight of the hopcops coming their way. Yelping in surprise, he
pointed them out to Angst and then took off. Fortunately, he chose a
direction somewhat behind Drusus and I. As Lee passed by with Angst
on his heels I somehow managed to catch his eye. The grin on his face
was immesurable, and then he disappeared into the looming darkness
behind us.
The
hopcops were so intent upon catching Angst and Lee that they never
saw our shapes cutting deftly through the darkness at them, didn't
realize until we were almost upon them that they had engaged
themselves in a collision course. There was a brief moment when the
world turned upside down and something hard hit me in the chest, and
the next thing I knew the four of us were on the ground panting
heavily while Angst and Lee slipped quietly away.
"Dumb
kids!" one of the hopcops spat, sitting up and glaring across
the quad, past the now empty barrel that had come to a stop by his
feet. "Can't you look where you're going?"
Drusus
and I winked at each other in the darkness and smiled.
The
room, this place of destitution and need and impoverishing, painful
desire, is small. Or maybe it's large. I can’t be sure of anything.
It's round, like the inside of a sphere, yet oddly stretched across
its width as if something - maybe the phantom image of God with which
we assuage ourselves in the everyday world - is pulling on it.
Nothing seems solid along the perimeter. The walls themselves seem to
be undulating, shifting, falling into each other when you're not
looking directly at them with the smoothly calculated concentration
of a serphent. Sometimes the walls appear black, sometimes they're
white. And sometimes they don't appear to be any color at all. I
think it's the shadows, really. The harrowing shades of darkness can
play tricks on the eye. They're everywhere in here, like spider webs,
thick and pasty and crawling, all with minds of their own. And they,
too, form ominous patterns that are constantly under change.
There
are the queer faces of clocks everywhere, on the walls, dripping from
the ceiling, looking up at me from the floor. The cataclysm of time
rings in my ears with confusion, fills me with an acute need that
cannot be answered here because the clocks are all lying to me. So it
is that I am left to stand here softly, whimpering, and ringing my
hands in frustration while the clocks linger dreadfully on.
Tick
tock, tick tock, tock -
Tick.
When
Canine answered the door, I could see that he was frightened. His
eyes flinched from mine, found the floor. At the sight of him my
words of greeting were instantly struck from my lips. "Jesus
Christ," he rasped, pushing roughly past me into the hallway,
"they don't know what they're talking about."
"What's
up?" I asked uncertainly. Thoughts of ritualistic human
sacrifice leaped to mind.
"Sure,
fine," Canine snapped, trying to look me in the eye. I could see
that his pupils weren't dilated but he was quite stoned. Behind me,
Nancy stood uncomfortably in the doorway, trying not to be obvious as
she peered through the sickly, yellow light that was bleeding on the
three of us. "As fine as it's ever been."
"So
what's the matter?"
"I
don't know, man." He laughed nervously, but the way his voice
trembled he sounded all the more scared. "Try to have one simple
argument with those guys and they turn it into a question of your
sanity. Christ, they've always been like that. Jesus Mary mother of
God - Look, David, I've got to go." And before he had even
finished speaking he was walking down the hallway, his steps quick
and unsure.
I
looked after him, my lips parted for the words that I had planned on
speaking but were by now hopelessly lost. "Canine, man." I
did not know whose words these were - certainly not my own, standing
there in cold confusion wondering what could possibly be wrong. But
Canine flinched at any sudden event in his life when first I met him.
Which is why it is no wonder that when he met his horrible end he did
not flinch at all. "You look like you've just killed someone."
Nancy's
eerie chuckling bubbled behind me. But Canine didn't seem to find it
funny at all. He stopped not fifteen feet in front of me as if struck
by my words, suddenly still and stony. His back spoke of a long and
tiring ordeal that was not close to its conclusion. In that short
moment I gained a strange insight into the bitter and hidden struggle
that seemed to occupy the bulk of his mind and energy. Whatever it
was, it was destroying him, tearing him to shreds in a quiet way that
none of us could perceive. I did not have to see his face to imagine
the haunted look in his eyes, or his lips half parted ready to
scream. And then he broke into a run, ran all the way towards the
stairs until he passed out of sight, and still I heard his heavy
steps pounding, echoing and reverberating throughout the heavy
concrete of the building, fading.
"Is
he always like that?" Nancy asked me softly from the doorway,
the traces of her chuckling still fresh around her mouth, near her
eyes. I forgive her now, of course. How could she have known?
Looking
after him, somewhat somber, I shrugged. "I can't explain. You've
just got to know him."
"Strange
friends you have," she breathed, coming closer. "I hope
this Anthony person -"
"Antonius,"
I corrected, turning around. She stood a few feet away, just out of
the doorway, looking tantalizingly up at me. Nancy was a fiercely
beautiful woman, and she knew it. "His name's Antonius."
"Yes,
yes, whatever." Her eyes narrowed slightly then, and one of her
hands found its way to indiscreetly to my dick. "And his
girlfriend," she purred, "what's her name? Hmmmm?"
Ever so slowly she was pressing her body to mine, closing the
distance not only with her flesh but also with those piercing eyes,
eyes that wanted to know but were so blind - and so blinding.
Coughing
uncomfortably, I answered her. "Shanai."
"Oh,
yeah," Nancy breathed, her voice barely more than a whisper, her
hand groping me toward a full erection. "Shanai." We stood
for a long moment in tense silence staring into each other's eyes.
But it was more a contest, a competition with high stakes, than a
prelude to a pleasurable and sensuous evening. It certainly wasn't
something I enjoyed, but it was at the same time wonderfully erotic.
Besides, at that age my body entertained any excuse to get it up.
It
didn't take long for Antonius to find his way to the open doorway.
"Where'd Canine go?" I started at the sound of his voice.
"Sorry about this," Nancy whispered conspiratorily in my
ear and then moved quickly away, smiling, leaving me to try and hide
as best I could the obnoxious bulging in my pants. It's always been
much easier to get an erection than lose one.
"Antonius,"
I coughed, trying to hide behind Nancy, but she moved away.
"Antonius, this is Nancy."
"Hello,
Antonius," Nancy offered meekly, slipping by the thin figure in
the doorway. "I've heard so much about you."
"And
I obviously haven't heard enough about you," Antonius remarked,
his eyes lingering after her. I hit him lightly on the arm, surprised
him because he looked slightly confused as he turned back to me.
"Sorry, David. Just couldn't help myself."
I
grunted on my way by him as I passed into the tiny, dimly lit foyer
between the bedroom and the living room, leaving him to close the
door.
"Don't
you find it embarrassing," he continued, coming up behind me as
I followed Nancy into the living room, "walking around in public
with your pants sticking out like that?" I cringed, willing that
my hard-on become less noticeable.
"Thanks,"
I muttered.
"After
all, you might start attracting other chicks. Shit, other guys, too.
What about Nancy? You ever think about Nancy"
"Enough,
Antonius."
"Just
trying to help, of course. I don't want you getting yourself into any
situation it would difficult to get out of."
"Antonius,
just let it lie."
And
then we were in the hazy living room. As I had discovered in the last
month or so, Antonius' living room was a great place to sit, relax,
and take bong hits in the revered company of loud music. The sound
system was very expensive and crystaline clear to an extraordinary
volume. He had only one neighbor who was never home, so there was
nobody to complain. The living room was otherwise largely
unfurnished, with empty while walls and a large, tye-dye tapestry
draped across the ceiling in the standard fashion of the day. A
couch, two tables, a small rug, some swivel chairs, and the tall,
hulking black CD case that was half empty were the only other items
in the room.
There
were two people sitting in the swivel chairs when Antonius and I came
in, stoned and listening to the dangerously gentle chords of Pink
Floyd's If landing in sonic booms around them. One of them was
Shanai, dressed in a delicate, brightly colored dress that bloomed
before my eyes. The other, of course, was cruel Salvatore.
Nancy
was standing just inside the broad entranceway, waiting for us
uncomfortably. These people didn't suit her style, and I knew it
instantly. Salvatore was staring eerily at her, coldly. Nancy was
trying not to notice but doing such a poor job of it that he could
only have felt triumph.
Antonius
retired to the couch where he started packing the bong and I, seeing
Nancy perched so uncomfortably in this unfamiliar cavern, came to her
side. I laid a soft hand on her shoulder and could actually feel her
relax a bit. When I introduced her to Salvatore he just nodded as if
I were in fact repeating something he already knew. Nancy, in a
desperate attempt to be friendly, offered him a flash of one of her
pretty, alluring smiles. He did not return it. "Don't worry
about him," I whispered in her ear. "Salvatore doesn't like
people he doesn't know. He's just trying to intimidate you."
"I
know!" she snapped bitterly, nudging me away. Another, slightly
different smile appeared on her face then, as if to assure me that
she could not be daunted. But her fingers were wrestling with each
other nervously beneath her stomach. My advice to her, though, was
from prior experience, and it would have done her good to listen.
I
can remember quite well the first time I met Salvatore. He had been
sitting in that same chair, probably just as stoned, and tried that
staring trick with me as well. I ignored him until Antonius
introduced us, hoping he would just go away or that Antonius would
forget about him. Of course, Antonius did not forget, and then I
could no longer avoid his black, spiraling eyes. "Hey," I
said, trying quietly to hold his gaze. Those first few moments I
actually marvelled at how strong willed I imagined him to be. Of
course, over time I realized that Salvatore was not strong at all,
that he was infected with a fear entirely different from that of
Canine's but a fear nonetheless.
He
looked at me for a long moment or two before he finally spoke. "So,
how does it feel to have killed your grandmother?"
I
could tell that he had meant the question to take me aback, but I was
used to it by then. So I just shrugged and smiled coolly. "I
didn't kill her." I was not insisting, or denying, but rather
stating an indisputable fact.
"That's
not what it looked like to me," he replied evenly.
Salvatore
took anti-depressants when he could. It was his only answer to the
fierce intensity of his pessimism. Partly because of him, partly
because of them all, I can understand now what it's like to operate
in a world perceived to be so horrible. Dry and blunt to the point of
offensive, Salvatore expressed to us the bitter truth of the world as
he knew it. He was the man doomed to betray his own way out and the
prophet who loved him. And he sured loved those anti-depressants.
"And
over there," I said, pointing towards Shanai, "is Antonius'
girlfriend, Shanai."
Nancy
cast her radiant smile in Shanai's direction for an instant, then
rudely looked away. One of Shanai's slight eyebrows lifted, the words
of greeting now buried somewhere in the confines of her throat. I
tried catching her eyes, but they avoided me.
I
guided Nancy to the couch, sat myself in the middle next to Antonius
to spare Nancy Salvatore's heavy gaze across the way. "Bong
hit?" Antonius offered Nancy, waving the bong like a flag in her
face.
"No,
thanks," Nancy answered him lightly. "I don't smoke pot."
"You
don't?" Salvatore echoed incredulously, leaning slightly forward
in his chair.
Before
Nancy could answer, Shanai was already speaking. "Don't mind
these guys, Nancy. They think there's something wrong with you if you
don't accept whatever they offer."
"Thanks,"
Nancy replied rather coldly, refusing to look in Shanai's direction.
Perhaps unconsciously she scooted a little closer to me on the couch.
Shanai
looked over at me, her eyes questioning, but I just shrugged and took
the bong from Antonius. It was becoming clear to me then that I'd
probably need quite a good many bong hits to carry me through what
was looking to be an uncomfortable evening.
Antonius
borrowed Salvatore's car so the four of us could get off campus. He
picked a place in Fell's Point where he knew we would have no trouble
getting in. I think he was selling pot to the bouncer. I can't
remember the name of the place, only that it was dim and smoky and
the music very loud. There were a lot of people out for a Tuesday
night, most of whom were much older than the four of us, but it was a
nice break from the continuity of campus life. Of course, the drinks
were absurdly expensive, and Nancy was a mixed drink type of girl so
for me it was even more so. Shanai was content with the Anchorsteams
Antonius ordered for her. I don't think she was ever consulted on the
matter, but she didn't seem to mind.
The
four of us sat around our small, dim table talking about nothing in
particular and drinking our beers. Antonius couldn't stop talking
about pot and Nancy was doing her best to ignore Shanai's presence
altogether. I didn't really have very much to say so I just listened,
trying to keep my eyes off Shanai. But no matter how much I tried I
would eventually get lost in the endless drone of Antonius' voice and
my eyes would stray inconspicuously toward her. The few times I
caught myself I thought perhaps no one had noticed, but once Nancy
pinched me tightly on the thigh. "Don't embarrass me tonight,"
her eyes were demanding.
"Shanai,
you're wearing too much makeup," Antonius said suddenly,
breaking a short silence that had fallen between us. He sounded so
serious that it took a moment to realize he wasn't joking. "Why
don't you go to the bathroom and clean some of it off?"
Nancy
tossed Antonius a powerfully cutting glance, but that was all. After
a moment, Shanai stood up, lowered her head, and walked off toward
the toilets, refusing to look any of us in the eye. Her cheeks were
blushed with a drink akin to shame and for a moment I was so
astounded I could hardly believe Antonius had spoken the words.
"You
-" Nancy started to say after Shanai was gone, ready to accuse,
but Antonius cut her off almost absently.
"Shit,"
he sputtered, leaning his tall head against his hands, "that
didn't come out right." He remained bowed over us like that for
a moment, left Nancy and I to exchange questioning glances. "I
didn't mean to embarrass her." His voice sounded muffled,
uncertain, but not helpless.
"Then
why don't you go apologize to her?" Nancy suggested after a
moment, pronouncing each word clearly and distinctly, condescendingly
almost.
Antonius
lifted his head glared at her darkly between narrow eyes, as if he
wanted to strike her, before pushing himself away from the table.
"That's what I was going to do," he announced coldly.
Nancy
shook her head at him. "Look, don't do it for me -"
"I'm
not." Already he was pushing through the crowd.
Nancy
shook her head. "What is up with him, David?" she asked.
"Does he always treat her like that? With no respect?"
Shanai
had never fully expressed to me any reservations about her
relationship with Antonius, but as I sat thinking it occurred to me
that Nancy had a good point. I was instantly reminded of all the
times I had seen Antonius hand her orders, or cut her off in the
middle of a sentence, or make plans without consulting her. One
incident came vividly to mind, that time they had gone camping near
the reservoir. Antonius had made all the plans and didn't even tell
her about it until the day they left. "Can you imagine that?"
Shanai laughed when she told me. "I had a horrible time, too.
But he had fun, so I guess it was worth it." But that is the way
it has been between men and women for some countless ages. Until that
moment with Nancy the arrangement simply never struck me as wrong.
I
shrugged sluggishly, biting my bottom lip. "Yeah, now that I
think of it. But she never seems to mind."
"David,"
Nancy responded firmly, looking me firmly in the eyes, "the poor
girl looked as if she was about to cry." She was shaking her
head again. "I don't know, David, but I've been trying to figure
out all night what it is you actually see in her."
It
took a brief moment for her words to register, but when they did I
found myself suddenly very angry. "And what is that supposed to
mean?" I demanded, my voice perhaps a bit louder than the
situation required.
"Just
what it sounded like, David," she retorted, her voice rising as
well. "You can't keep your fucking eyes off her."
"That's
not true," I insisted petulantly, this time not so loudly.
"And
do you think you're hiding anything from Antonius? Do you? Do you
think he doesn't suspect anything?"
"Fucking
A, Nancy," I returned, my voice rising again to match her own,
"who the fuck are you to talk? You've been going around behind
my back with my best friend!"
"At
least he pays attention to me."
"I
pay attention to you!"
"Not
nearly as much as that weak minded little fool! Look, David -"
"Weak
minded what? Look, Nancy, you were rude to her from the moment you
met her -"
"And
I have every right!"
"So,
have you fucked him yet?"
She
paused briefly before answering. "No. I wanted to, though."
"I
haven't even touched Shanai."
"You
would if you could, David, but you can't! She's got that tall,
overbearing asshole to hang on and feed her dope. She doesn't even
want you!"
"That's
not true."
"Oh,
she does want you, is that it?"
"Yes."
"Fine."
She leaned back in her chair, crossed her arms and her legs and
looked defiantly away. "Tonight I'm sleeping in Drusus' room."
"Fine,"
I said, knowing very well where I would be sleeping. I tried
desperately to think of something to say that could hurt her without
bringing Drusus into it. "Go ahead."
"I
hope you're happy," Nancy hissed at me softly, refusing to look
my way.
"For
what?" I responded sullenly, also refusing to look at her.
"For
embarrassing me in front of my friends! And for embarrassing me in
front of your friends!" Now she was glaring at me, and out of
the corner of my eye I could see that she was holding back tears. I
felt somehow like it was my fault, so I kept silent. "I hope
you're happy watching her, David, because that's all you're going to
be doing for a long time!" Of course, she was wrong about that.
And when she heard that we were going out her hate for me deepened to
such an extent that she was a long time getting over it. We sat in a
forced, heavy silence until Antonius and Shanai returned. They
weren't looking at each other either.
Shanai
had been crying and had gone through great pains to try and hide the
fact. But her eyes were still a bit red and the skin underneath
seemed somehow rusty in the wake of sorrow and a fresh coat of
makeup. There was much less of it on, I noted dourly. Smiling faintly
she looked the both of us over. I looked back but couldn't bring
myself to smile. Perhaps the bitterness, the anger was plainly
written on my face because she looked sadly away again, her head low,
as if I had been accusing her and not myself.
"I
want to leave," Nancy announced bitterly after a brief moment.
She stood up quickly, grabbed her coat and her purse. "I want to
leave now." And with that, she pushed energetically through the
crowd towards the door.
"What
happened?" Antonius muttered, looking between her and me. His
hands found their way to Shanai's shoulders, seemed to be mocking me
there. Shanai was looking at me, too, perhaps beginning to realize
that my angry face was not for her, but I couldn't bring myself to
find her eyes.
"Never
mind." Needless to say, I was grumpy. "Let's just drop her
off, go back to your place, and do bong hits."
"Sounds
good to me," Antonius said as he followed after Nancy. "I
wasn't having very much fun, anyway."
A
shallow gloom settled over me as I pushed my way through the
convulsing sea of people. My eyes were set for the floor and I was
dreading the car ride home in the back seat with Nancy. I also
realized it would be my last chance to say anything to her, but when
I realized that there was absolutely nothing I could say or do the
gloom seemed to thicken, like chocolate. So it was that I never
noticed the commotion at the front entrance until I was almost upon
it.
"You
have to leave immediately," someone was saying very loudly, very
firmly somewhere ahead of me. Antonius nudged me, so I looked up, but
there were too many bodies gathered around what looked to be the
door. After all, I didn't have his advantage in height.
"There's
this guy in a wheelchair, man," Antonius whispered. "I
think he wants to come in."
"Why?"
screeched another, presumably the man in the wheelchair. "You
need a fucking degree to come in here? I got a degree! From the
University of John Hopkins!" The words were jumbled and frantic,
seemed to be falling precariously out of his mouth and dripping with
volume. They struck a distant chord in me somewhere. I distantly
wondered what Hank was doing. Was he still alive?
"There's
nothing I can do about it," came the condescending reply, the
voice trying to remain calm but most certainly exasperated. "It's
policy. Frankly, you look like a vagrant and you're obviously - "
The sentence was left hanging accusingly.
"What,
on something? Fuck yeah, I'm on something. This is my city, boy.
These are my streets. My home. I seen you around here."
"Charles,
where's the phone?"
"What,
are you going to call the police? Fine. Tell them Junior says fucking
'Hello'! I fought in Vietnam, punk, before the night your daddy come
home drunk and made you."
"Look,
man, I give you people money sometimes."
"You
got something you could spare right now?"
"Will
you get the fuck outa here?"
"Five
bucks." There was a moment of silence. Some of the people ahead
were laughing. "Thanks," rasped the man in the wheelchair.
"I'll be by next week."
"You
better not!"
The
man in the wheelchair chuckled. There were some awkward noises, the
sound of a door closing, and the knot of people in front of me began
to loosen.
"Man,"
Antonius muttered to himself. He smiled and jabbed me in the
shoulder. "You didn't see it, David," he whispered to me,
laughing, "but that guy was super fucked up!"
On
the way outside Antonius took a joint from his pocket. He came from a
wealthy family and liked to think of himself as a nobleman, offering
little trinkets to the grateful masses in exchange for their
fidelity. I looked to the left and saw the man in a wheelchair. There
was a blanket covering his legs. His eyes were suddenly sharp and
livid and piercing, the whites showing prominently against his dark
flesh. But I knew it was an act, that he was trying to take advantage
of our eternal fear of the black man. I wasn't sure how Antonius
would react.
I
should have known, though. Antonius smiled and offered the joint to
him. I'm sure he had planned it all along. "It's not a
cigarette," Antonius told him.
The
man looked at him for a long moment before reaching out and taking
the thing. He sniffed it, breathing in deeply, and put it in his
pocket. He appeared to relax. "Here," the veteran muttered
and plucked from underneath the blanket what appeared to be a shiny,
black box. It was tiny, shaped like a chest, and seemed to be made
entirely of metal. "A little something to remember me by,"
he repeated, dropping the thing to the ground. He smiled blandly and,
without another word, he wheeled himself away.
I
watched as he faded into the grime of the Baltimore streets. I
wondered briefly where he was going. "Look, can we get out of
here?" Nancy was saying, and once again Antonius nudged me on
his way towards the car. But when I turned around I saw that the
black box was still lying on the ground. Antonius had neglected to
retrieve it. So following after them I snatched it for myself. It was
small enough to fit in the inside pocket of my leather jacket. Later
on, I dropped it off in my room and got so stoned I completely forgot
about it.
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Adam Wasserman.
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